wait..

Moonlight becomes you..
I'm thrilled at the sight..
And we could get so romantic tonight..
You're all dressed up to go dreaming.

Sinatra sang in her ears as she sat on one of the benches in a park nearby.. She has yet to find her favorite bench. But she is working on it. (But she has been telling herself that for years now). Ideally she won't be sitting here alone. She would be sharing this beautiful view of the water and the even more beautiful city beyond the water with him. She carries a splitter in her purse nowadays - that little piece of wire that lets you connect two different headphone sets to the same outlet. She carries it around in case she ever gets to reenact a scene from Begin Again. She probably won't.

She has been carrying a sickness in her heart for so many years. Every now and then she realizes that and she wants to cry. But no tears come out. It's just sort of a sick sadness. Sad sickness. This life can't be so short. These nights can't be so long.

Perhaps some day she will put her act together and find a favorite bench, and walk long enough with him to call it an actual walk. For now, its just Mr. Sinatra and her - as we have been for many years.

What a night to go dreaming.

This is a work of fiction.

Love time!

While writing this I already have hit the sack but feeling insomniac.
Just a few thoughts about the Valentine's Day..

The last time I checked, this was supposed to be a day to celebrate love. Not a day that would make us feel lonely, and sad, and sometimes just desperate. We all feel lost sometimes but it almost seems like this day is now designed to make us feel more lost. If romantic love has entered your life, that's wonderful. Try to take out some time today and acknowledge it. If love has not swept you off your feet yet, it will come to you when it is ready. You can't find love, love will have to find you, and it will. Your only job is to make sure you let it in when it does find you. Its when you are not expecting it that it will hit you hardest — and isn't that what makes life so tragically wonderful?

Until then, trust that the universe knows what it is doing and focus on making yourself better for when love does come knocking at your door or bumping into you around the corner of a coffee shop. You must learn to be patient.

Just remember today that you are not alone, unless you choose to be, and deep down inside you, you already know that.

Sound Sleep...

Everyone of us has an idea about how our life partner should be.. but its not easy to find right person at the right time. Its not actually about right or wrong.. they are just relative phenomena. Let's say.. its all about finding a perfect match!

He was the most unlikely of companions. She didn't think she would have anything in common with someone who loves to be with himself. She didn't think that she would like a thick beard on a man's face either. It hides the face and she always liked looking. Neither did she want too tall. But there he was. Five feet eleven and supporting a thick french beard, not to mention loved being with himself.

She'd hoped that it would happen. That they would meet again. That she'd finally be able to have all the conversations with him that she only had in her mind. She had imagined the meeting a few different ways. Perhaps she'll be visibly excited, smiling, beaming with joy, shy, quiet, hesitating to make eye contact. None of that mattered now that he was here. Sitting right next to her on that beige sofa in his living room. He was looking at her quietly.

Suddenly, she felt sleepy. Of all the scenarios she had played out in her head for this moment, feeling sleepy was not one of them. She tried not to yawn. She leaned towards him, as if she was about to kiss him. But she didn't. She leaned further into him so that he had to lean back and lie down - she on top of him. When she put her head on his chest, she felt a familiar scent, but she couldn't make much of it. She was too sleepy for that. She closed her eyes while her fingers played with his fingers.

The way she slept, with her face softened and arms wrapped around his shoulders, was beautiful. She hadn't slept like that in a long time.

A Heart Break...

Just realized something.. its about heartbreak..

The heart doesn't break in a snap.  It doesn't fall and shatter on the ground; there is no cracking or ripping.  A heart breaks like a flower wilts - quietly yet.. suddenly...

She keeps the flowers on her desk. Roses, mostly. She likes Roses. They are cheerful and intense; She loves that. Their soft petals tantalize her skin whenever she touches them, and their colors brighten up the room. But then if she gets too busy to pay them much of attention... if she forgets to water them for just one day, they start to look sad and gloomy. The intense red is still there but they start to run low on vibrance. She waters them . Some life comes back, the breathing becomes easier.  Now she knows they'll last for another week or so. She hasn't hurt them enough yet.

But sometimes, its just too late. One day she comes into the room, and sees their necks down, even though their petals are still soft. Then no matter whatever she does, they will never look up again. They keep wilting slowly - dying. It doesn't matter how many times she waters them or give them plant nourishment, they are finished now. She can only wait for them to die out completely and disappear... only to become a memory for some time, and then forgotten.

This is how a heart breaks.

Last Kiss...

It had just started to rain when he stopped his car outside her house. She hesitated to get out of the car as she didn't want to get wet. He watched her hair as she watched the drops of rain fall down the window. Their evening coffee date was over and she was trying to leave him.. again..

He hadn't seen her since they broke up. Three weeks and two days had passed.. But to him, they were "twenty three" days of different life.. She turned back at him and smiled.. They both smiled.

"Thanks for the coffee dear!" She said. Her eyes studied his face. Reading every emotion he tried to hide. He didn't want to say.. But he did..

"I still love you!"

Her eyes fell. She played with a button on her jacket. He watched her fingers; afraid to see the look on her face.

"I know you do!" She said "things are just.. better this way.."

He nodded.. Still watching her hand. She stopped playing with the button and put her fingers under his chin to raise his head. His heartbeat stopped when their eyes met. Her face was close to his. He was not sure who moved first.. But he didn't close his eyes until their lips came together.

The sound of rain faded and only thing he knew was the feeling of her lips against his. The same lips he had kissed a thousand times before, but this was something special. But it was over.

She opened the door and stepped into rain without a word.

It was their last kiss.

a night.. with you...

There were few times - very few - when he held her in the darkness after she woke up from a nightmare. But when he did, it wasn't as if the fear would leave her. It never made the darkness go away either. Her demons were still out there. The nightmares were still walking..
When he held her, she did not feel safe, but she felt better. "It's all right," he'd whisper in her ear. "I'm here with you. I love you," and then he'd go on to lie: "I'll never leave you."

Then, just for a moment or two, the darkness didn't seem so bad.

a night to remember
like a prayer that has no answer
a night so romantic
a night that makes me sick

A night full of love
a night full of butterfly
a night full of caress
a night full of kiss
a night of bliss

a night for indulgence
a intimate and an awesome ambiance
a night of touch
a night to remember...
A night with you.

कधीच....

या चंद्राबरोबर इतकाही बोलत नव्हतो मी..
कधीच...
रात्रही होतच होती की रोज... पण इतकीही सुंदर नव्हती..
कधीच..

तुझ्या आठवणीत ती रात्रही भेटली होती.. कालच..
रात्र तीच होती..
पण ती भेट सुद्धा आपल्या भेटीसारखी "भेट" नव्हती...
कधीच..

हम्म... त्या भेटीत सुद्धा ती "उदासी" होती म्हणा..
चंद्र तारे सुद्धा तसेच होते..
पण त्यांच्याशी बोलणं आपल्या गप्पांसारखं नव्हतं..
कधीच...

तुझ्या प्रेमानी क्षणात जग बदलून गेल्यासारखं वाटतंय..
मला जाणवतंय...
मी असा नव्हतो..
कधीच....

अजनबी...

चलो, एक बार फिरसे अजनबी बन जाए हम दोनों..
ना मैं तुमसे कोई उम्मीद रखूँ.. दिल नवाजी की..
ना तुम मेरी तरफ देखो.. गलत अंदाज़ नजरोंसे..
ना मेरे दिल की धड़कन लडखडाये मेरी बातों से..
ना ज़ाहिर हो.. तुम्हारी कश्मकश का ऱाज नजरों से..
तुम्हे जो कोई अंजुमन रोकती है पेश कदमी से..
मुझे भी लोग कहते हैं के यह जलवे पराएँ हैं..
मेरे हमराह भी रुसवायें हैं मेरे माजी के,
तुम्हारे साथ भी गुज़री हुई रातों के सायें हैं .
तारीफ़ रोग हो जाए तो उसका भूलना बेहतर ,
ताल्लुक बोझ बन जाए तो उसका तोडना अच्छा...
वोह अफसाना जिससे अंजाम तक लाना ना हो मुमकिन ,
उससे एक खूबसूरत मोड़ दे कर छोड़ना अच्छा
चलो, एक बार फिरसे अजनबी बन जाए हम दोनों..

Seperation...

this is dedicated to a person, who was, is and will be an integral part of my life..

hope.. she reads this..somehow...



मुझसे बिछड़ कर खुश रहते हो
मेरी तरह तुम भी झूटे हो

उजले उजले फूल खिले थे
बिलकुल जैसे तुम हंसते हो

एक टहनी पे चाँद टिका था
मैंने समझा तुम बैठे हो

तुम तनहा दुनिया से लढोगे
बच्चोंसी बातें करते हो


and yes, i love u!

Just you...!!!

You are like my breaths to me
Everything revolves around you

If I think, I think about you
I am planning to worship you...

My nights search crazily for you
I toss and turn in turmoil

Its a strange relation with breaths
I will die if its broken...



PS : inspired from a Ghalib's poem

Retrospect

Believe me, dear readers, please believe me when I say this: sometimes we really are running after the wrong things - chasing the wrong men and women totally convinced that they are the right ones for us. No matter what they say, or how they try to assure us otherwise, we still believe that what we are doing is right. Believe me when I say that we are stubborn and this stubbornness is the cause of our demise.

It is so hard to let go off our control. We think we know what is right. We think that the people we are running after are the people we are meant to be with - that there is nothing better than them. Its so extremely difficult to let go of that control, and be patient with life, believe in a higher power and let the universe decide once in a while.

I am guilty of all of this. I think I know what’s best for me. I think I know the people I want to associate myself with. I think I know who I should be romantically involved with and who I shouldn’t.
.
.
.
.
.
But the truth is, I have very limited knowledge of all of these things.

I kept running after the wrong women, when the right one was there all along, and I almost screwed it up. I was so convinced that I wouldn't be happier with any other woman than the one I was chasing. I was so sure of myself, until I crashed. The biggest challenge in life is to let go. Its when you let go, you are able to see what the universe has in store for us. We don’t even give the universe a chance - because we think we have it all figured out. Total bullshit.

Please look around you.
Please look and see the people who are looking at you.
Please don’t be so convinced that you know what is right.
Believe.
Have faith.
Give people a chance.
Don’t make the mistake I made.
Please.
You deserve to be happy.

:)


inspired from the new DoCoMo ad :

Keep it simple! Silly! ;)

I am Waiting...

I think that I am waiting. Waiting for someone - something - to happen. It is not as if I am waiting for someone to come and change my life drastically, or to be my savior, or fill a void in my heart. No, its none of these things because I know that I am capable of change, there is no need for saving and I am not haunted by any emptiness. It is not as if something is lacking or missing - my cup is full.

The truth is, I am always producing and hoarding more love inside me, but there is no release. I want it to flow now. I want that over whelming feeling of joy - that which I would not have to contain. But my cup is not brimming. It is as if I am there but I am not quite there yet. There's nothing worse than waiting and not knowing what'll happen to you. Your own imagination can be crueler than any captor.

यादें.. ( I )

कुछ यह है की मुद्दतों से हम भी नहीं थे रोए..
कुछ जहन में उलझा था अहबाब का दिलासा...
फिर यूँ हुआ..
के सावन आँखों में आ बसे थे...
फिर यूँ हुआ..
के दिल भी था अबला सा..
अब सच कहें तो यारो हमको खबर नहीं थी...
बन जायेगा क़यामत एक वाकिया ज़रा सा...
तेवर थे बेरुखी के.. अंदाज़ थे दोस्ती के..
वोह अजनबी थे लेकिन लगते थे अपने से...
हम दश्त थे के दर्या....
हम जहर थे के अमृत..
नाहक था जहम हमको.. जब वोह नहीं थे प्यासे..
हम ने भी इसको देखा.. कल शाम इत्तफाक से...

इतनाही कह पाए हक से...
अपने भी हाल है लोगो.. अब इस "omi" से

तुम्हे सचमुच खबर नही..

उसे मेरे हाल की खबर नही..
या दुआ में मेरे असर नही...?

मुझे दर-पेश धूप की मुसिबते...
मेरी राह में कोई शजर नही..

तेरे बाद कोई गुजरे यहाँसे...
मेरा दिल है.. कोई राह-गुजर नही..

जहां तेरी यादों को बहा सकूं..
इतना कोई समंदर नही..


miss you a lot..

Gift yourself a Quiet Moment...

Here's a gift you may not have expected. It is a gift for you to give yourself. Sometimes in your day to day life, try to turn off all the noises you can around you and give yourself some "quiet time". In the silence, let yourself think about something. Or if possible... Think about nothing.

Most of us have so few moments like that in our lives. There are noises everywhere. There are times when we can't even escape. Television and radio are probably the worst culprits. They are very seductive. It's so tempting for some people to turn on the television set or the radio when they first walk into a room or get in the car....To fill any space with noise. It is even true with myself. I cannot help but turn on music as soon as I walk in my room. Whenever I am walking alone, I have my wiped screaming in my ears. I wonder what I or people similar to me are afraid might happen in the silence. Some of us must have forgotten how nourishing silence can be. We don't give us the opportunity to take benefit feelings that silence has to offer.

The kind of solitude goes by many names. It may be called "meditation" or "deep relaxation" or just "downtime". In some circles it may even be criticized as "daydreaming". Whatever its called, it is a time away from outside stimulation, during which inner turbulence can settle, and we have a chance to become more familiar with ourselves.

How many times have you noticed that its the little quiet moment in the midst of life that seems to give the rest the extra-special meaning??? How many times have we tried to understand that silence speaks in the language that the heart, soul and mind can fully understand?? How many times have we realized that silence can be holy?

So, give yourself a gift today.....

गुजारिश..

है इख़्तियार में तेरे तू मौज्ज़ा कर दे...
वोह शख्स मेरा नहीं है उसे मेरा कर दे...
यह राह-गुज़र कहीं ख़तम ही नहीं होती ,
ज़रासी दूर तक रास्ता हरा भरा कर दे...
मै उस के शोर को देखू वोह मेरा सबर देखे... ,
मुझे चिराग़ बना दे उसे हवा कर दे....
अकेली शाम बहुत ही उदास करती है ,
किसी को भेज कोई मेरा हम-नवा कर दे...

Cycle of Replacement.. ( Part # 1 )

कभी कभी यूँही बैठे बैठे...
एक आम से दिन में दिल फिर से टूटता है
Just when you think you have forgotten all the sweet nothings, and the memories of the pretentious fights, it all comes back to you in a venue you least expect to serve as a reminder.

आज न-जाने बैठे बैठे वह यादें कहाँ से वापिस आ गयी ...
वह मसनूई घुस्सा, वोही बिना-वजह के नखरे..

पता नहीं कितने सालों से हर वक़्त उनसे अपने नखरे उठवाते रहना, उनसे उलटी सीधी फरमाइशे करते रहना... मेरा सबसे पसंदीदा मश्घला बन चुका था...
ज़रा ज़रा सी बात पर उनका नाराज़ हो कर चल पड़ना और फिर कुन-अखियों से देखना के वो पीछे आऐं या नहीं...

मेरा खियाल था यह बचपना वक़्त के साथ साथ ख़तम हो ही जायेगा…
पर शायद कुछ आदतें कभी आप का पीछा नहीं छोडती हैं…
वक़्त बदल जाता है…
आप बदल जाते हो…
पर कुछ चीज़ें बस सताती करती ही रहती हैं...
हमेशा...

यह सच है....cycle of replacement में मुहब्बत की replacement नहीं होती .

Loving You...

Tell me my darling,
How does it feel…
How does it feel when I hold your hand and walk with you letting you lead?
How does it feel when my stare lingers on you for just a little longer every time I see you?
How does it feel when I lightly brush my fingers across your arm while passing by?

Tell me my sweetheart,
How does it feel…
How does it feel when my lips tremble and my body becomes weak as you kiss me?
How does it feel when I give myself to you in the most vulnerable of times?
How does it feel when I dig my nails into your bare back while quivering in ecstasy?
How does it feel when we dance on the kitchen floor at the oddest hour?
How does it feel when I put my head on your heart?

Tell me beloved,
How does it feel…
How does it feel when I cry helplessly while tending to your wounds?
How does it feel when I put the first piece of food in your mouth before I start eating my dinner?
How does it feel when I caress your hair while you peacefully nap in my arms?

Tell me my life,
How does it feel to know that I love you?

Yes,
I am talking about LOVE
I am talking about the love that you feel inside
...The love that will make you cry
...The love that haunts you day and night


So sweety, tell me… how does it feel to know that I love you?

Regret..

A promise I was asked
And a promise I did make
It changed things a lot
And many decisions I was to take

Would I make the same promise?
Or will I refrain?
Will I do it the same and just the same
Do it all, All over again?


The struggles I do accept
And the pain I do agree
Its the price I paid
For my soul to breathe free

If love is the cost of freedom
Then so it shall be
No one shall rob it, Nor shall one protect
My freedom was my own
And mine alone to defend

Would I make the same choice?
Or will I refrain?
Will I do it the same and just the same
Do it all, All over again?


There were mistakes, there had to be
Success was sweet
But it was failure that taught
That the ones to forge a character
Are the falls not caught

I trusted and was betrayed
It led me to conflict - led me to strife
I loved and was burnt
It unknowingly shaped - the contours of my life

Would I make the same choice?
Or will I refrain?
Will I do it the same and just the same
Do it all, All over again?


I think I will, for it was worth it
For one smile of her eyes Or one kiss of her lips
I would happily take eternal agony
For a touch of her hair on my fingertips

I think I will, for it was worth it
For a fair lady once asked of a little boy
Promise me will you, That you will
"Listen to what your heart says
And have the courage to follow it"
And I had promised
"Yes, my lady - I will"

Lying to Myself..

Some things I know I have lied to myself – and this is one of them.

After swearing to destroy all of her things, I know I haven’t really discarded all ... somewhere hidden in an album lie, now yellowing photographs - still beautiful with a hint of those times – in an academic file alongside my notes – I am sure - lies buried - a birthday card – and amongst the modest treasures of my wallet is a guitar pick – that still fancies her touch. ..

Masked cleverly in my words, somewhere lie - subtle references - to memories only one reader can relate...... In empty corridors of a dilapidated structure, there still can be heard - echoes of her laughter and although, now abandoned – there still flows a river - now mourning with salted water.

In the waking hours of some nights, the bed still longs her warmth. And the still air – now devoid of her scent – feels like a vacuum mocking my heart.

On some things I know, I have lied to myself and this is one of them ...... Oh! How I wish there were words that could describe – How much I miss her on some days ....